Home Depot and Lowe’s once looked to me like places to buy tools and nails and maybe a few plants. Today they remind me more of an army supply depot. The change began when my daughter and son-in-law bought a 50 year-old house that needed considerable updating to bring it into the 21^st century. The first Christmas they moved in, we gathered in their new home prepared to celebrate the season in the traditional ways. Little did the women of the family know but this was to be known as the first major engagement of the power tool army.

The day we all arrived, the testosterone began to flow as each male member of the family began their induction into the Spellman Street Division. Skills were assessed and assignments were handed out. The kitchen was established as the staging area, and the dedicated band of soldiers only lacked a white board on which to mark the battles ahead. These consisted of

• Remove doors (13)
• Transport new doors (truck needed)
• Trim new doors to fit old facings (circular saws required)
• Wire house for network connection (CAT 5 already acquired)
• Replace outdated and duplicate phone lines (ladder required)
• Replace exterior door with French door (muscles needed)

Fathers, fathers-in-law, brothers, and male friends discussed with a scary intensity the plan of attack. It wasn’t long before each member of the unit strapped on their newly acquired tool belt which identified them as a true member of the hardy brigade. The battle cry “bonding through power tools” could be heard throughout the house.

The women folk were left to their ordinary lives in which they prayed nightly for the safe return of their warriors hoping that no battle injuries would require a trip to the emergency room. Fortunately, I can report that the only damage was to the older male egos which required frequent doses of pain killers such as ibuprofen to restore them to physical fitness each day. As in all wars, there were inconveniences that had to be endured by the non-combatants such as inoperative phone lines for two days.

The sound of power equipment ran far into the night. Frequent trips to the supply depot were needed which included new blades for the circular saw (who would have thought you could use so many), another door to replace the one that was a casualty of one battle, and reinforcement tools to replace those lost or damaged. In most wars, the industries that support the battles see a noticeable increase in profits, so it is in this one. I recommend purchasing stock in home improvement stores because our family has done more than its share to improve their bottom line.

I can report that the Christmas Battle was successful. Doors are in place that are lovely to behold. Every room has a network connection and all the phones work.

Yesterday, though another engagement was begun. This time it was a wall that needed a door – not that there wasn’t already a door there – it was just in the wrong place. Friends of mine will quake at the very words, because they know that no wall is safe in our house. My husband has a tendency to awake from the fall football season with a gleam in his eye and a saw in hand ready to go where no builder intended. This time it was my daughter’s wall and not mine that received the assault. Once again the power tool belts came out and noises too hideous to describe could be heard coming from above. The women cowered in a safe place trying to reassure the small furry things that life would eventually return to normal.

At one moment, though, during a temporary cessation of firing, we heard the words “Soldier, I don’t care what you play. Just play loud!” The desperate sawing continued.

What will the outcome be of this campaign? Successful, I believe. Will there be another one? Absolutely. This is not a war that will be won until every wall, door, roof, floor, sink, toilet, and crown molding has been conquered. Our men are not quitters!! And when this front has been taken, there’s the cabin in New Mexico that has been the object of many late night planning sessions. Rest assured, Baby Ben already has his own tool belt ready to join as soon as puberty comes upon him in about 13 years.